Tue 18 May 2021 11.18 EDT
YOU JUST GOT KANED
Want to order a scotch egg and 48 pints without leaving your table? There’s an app for that! And a carbon footprint too. Every digital usage, no matter how small, causes a carbon dioxide emission. The more you use, the bigger it gets. For example: between now and August, the Harry Kane Transfer Saga™ is going to leave a carbon footprint the size of Oceania.
On Monday night, The Fiver was scouring YouTube for highlights of the last day of the 1983-84 season in Romania’s Divizia C, Seria VIII-a, when The Man called to tell us to get over to Fiver Towers quicksmart to report on reports that Harry Kane has reportedly told Spurs he wants to join another Premier League club. We understood intuitively that life would never be the same again, that the Kane Saga would dominate a very long summer and cause the production of a dangerous amount of hot air.
Every Tom, D1ck and see, you can’t escape it, can you will have an opinion on where Kane should play football next season. He will be trending for longer than Bryan Adams was at No 1 back in the day. And any journalist worth their salt will be putting on their grave Walter Cronkite face to tell us that HFK, as jilted Spurs fans will come to know him, has been seen getting into his car to drive to a place we already knew he was going. The most common assumption is that Kane will move to one of the Manchester clubs, though Chelsea, PSG and Barcelona – Més que un debt – are also reportedly interested. While Kane still has three years on his contract, he believes that he has a gentleman’s agreement allowing him to leave this summer. As the second gentleman in this agreement is Daniel Levy, The Fiver can’t foresee any tough negotiations getting in the way.
Yeah, about that. In an industry full of chancers, egomaniacs, hypocrites, deviants and mercenaries – and that’s just at Fiver Towers – Kane is one of the few genuinely good guys, a real-life answer to Tony Soprano’s favourite question. But Spurs, who were almost as angry as The Fiver at the timing of the story being leaked, have already started a PR war by releasing a terse statement. “Our focus is on finishing the season as strongly as possible – that’s what everyone should be focused on,” moralised the club that joined a Super League and sacked their manager in the week before a cup final. Kane will win the PR war at a canter, but that will probably make Levy even more determined to win the Saga, and everyone knows that’s the real quiz. There are still 105 days until the summer transfer window closes. Never mind the climate and all that; won’t somebody think of The Fiver’s will to live?
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“After more than 45 years of coaching I have decided that the time is right for me to step away from the rigours of top-flight football” – Mr Roy calls time on his career, confirming that he’ll be retiring after Crystal Palace’s final two games, with Frank Lampard and Sean Dyche among those in the early running to replace him.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s David Squires on Leicester’s FA Cup triumph, naturally featuring Mark Morrison.
RECOMMENDED BOOKING
Tickets are available now for Football Weekly Live’s Euros preview special on 10 June. Get them while they’re hot.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: yesterday’s Fiver. During a game towards the end of Barnsley’s last successful Championship promotion campaign, John Hendrie broke free on the left and sprinted into the opponents’ box. Looking across the pitch, he spotted Martin Bullock, a talented but youthful member of that Barnsley team, lurking near the penalty spot in acres of space. Without missing a beat, Hendrie decided the better option was to fall over and blag a penalty out of the referee, much to the delight of most of the East Stand at Oakwell” – John Meara.
“I found my hair more on edge by the mention of Burnley’s use of AI to attract young talent (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs) rather than Alisson’s magnificently executed header the previous day. The shocking thought of Sean Dyche being replaced by a robot is now surely not far around the corner, along with our species being assigned to the dumpster, while the beautiful game is continued as a blissful electronic art enjoyed by a far superior outcropping” – John Weldon.
“I also follow an Albion like your correspondent Tony Crawford (yesterday’s Fiver letters) and recently whiled away a lockdown hour researching ‘Albion’ as a description of island Britain, and the English and Scottish clubs with this appendage. The president of the Spanish Football Federation once celebrated victory over England by sending the dictator Franco a telegram declaring ‘we have beaten perfidious Albion’. I can only hope Pep Guardiola isn’t able to resort to the same declaration after meeting mine on Tuesday night” – Bill Jones.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … John Weldon.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Swansea and Bournemouth have narrow 1-0 advantages after the first legs of their Championship play-off semis against Barnsley and Brentford, respectively. “This is just like we are going out for the second half and we are one-nil down,” tooted Bees boss Thomas Frank. “We will come flying out.”
Reports in France suggest Karim Benzema could be included in Didier Deschamps’ Euro Not 2020 squad, when it’s unveiled later on Tuesday, which would be interesting.
It’s not only fans of haphazard defending who are sad at the prospect of David Luiz leaving Arsenal, Mikel Arteta is too. “I’ve really enjoyed learning from him,” he honked.
Manchester City owner Sheikh Mansour will pay the travel costs of their 6,000 fans attending Big Cup final in Porto.
The only way is exit: former reality TV star Mark Wright is not on Crawley Town’s retained list for next season.
And barely a week after raising the ire of fans with a wide-scale rebrand, MLS outfit Columbus have backtracked and reinstated ‘Crew’ to their name and logo. “We’re super excited about the progress we’ve made and where we’re going as a club,” whooped Pete Edwards, one of the owners. “We’re going to be the Columbus Crew and we’re going to be the Columbus Crew forever.”
STILL WANT MORE?
How Kiyan Prince’s legacy lives on at QPR and in Fifa 21.
It’s brother v brother as Forest Green and Newport County collide in the League Two play-offs. Ben Fisher has the skinny.
What next for Chelsea after their Women’s Big Cup final woe? Suzanne Wrack sums things up.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
{{topLeft}}
{{bottomLeft}}
{{topRight}}
{{bottomRight}}
{{/ticker}}
{{heading}}
{{#paragraphs}}
{{.}}
{{/paragraphs}}{{highlightedText}}
